


whispers would deafen me now

by midnightchapters



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aang and Azula (Avatar) Friendship, Aang and Azula besties, Air Nomads (Avatar), Angst with a Happy Ending, Azula (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Azula (Avatar) deserves the world, Gen, Happy Aang, Happy Azula (Avatar), Introspection almost, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Past Child Abuse, Protective Azula (Avatar), aang's so sweet i love him, older sister azula !, that should be a tag wtf, younger brother aang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:27:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28910082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightchapters/pseuds/midnightchapters
Summary: What does it mean to be Azula?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	whispers would deafen me now

**Author's Note:**

> it's my birthday!!! so here's a gift
> 
> and azula makes me so sad. she deserves so much better

This is what it means to be Azula, Crown Princess of the Fire Nation, almost Fire Lord.

You are not made for warmth. You weren't and aren't given warmth and so, you are not for warmth. You are daddy's only child, Zuko does not exist, and the prodigal, expected daughter. You are not for warmth.

You are made for fire, _only_. Not warmth. Never that at all. 

You are made for destruction, for pain, for scarring. That is your sole reason for your existence. You are not made for anything other than that and you do not know what warmth means or feels or tastes. You do not know warmth at all. 

* * *

They do not think of you a child. They do not perceive you are one. 

You're fourteen, and nobody remembers this or thinks of it as important. You are fourteen like the Water Tribe girl that bested you. 

And everyone is here to see your title stripped down to nothing, you reduced as nothing. To ashes. Just like the Fire Nation - _you_ \- blazed. 

Everyone is here to see your failure. To see your weakness in view, served on a platter. The only time that it's _there_ and of course they want to see you like this, when every moment before you didn't dare to let yourself show (give) it to them. 

Everyone who conquered is here to watch you humiliated, kneeling on the dirty floor your brother so graced, to watch with sharp eyes as you submit. To watch every sin picked out and claw at it. Tear at it.

You're fourteen years old. They don't remember this.

Your brother sits above you, high and mighty like you would've been. He does not give you warmth. To think of it, he's never given you warmth.

You've never known warmth.

Because what is Azula with warmth? Nothing. Just Azula. You don't want to be just Azula. 

So, you stand trial and your crimes are read out in a placating manner, as if your effort was nothing, and you want to tear the place down. It's not your fault, oh no, it's daddy dearest's. And it is.

(But that does not matter, does it?

Azula, the maniacal daughter.) 

You are carved from brittle of bones and thunderous wakes. They remember this. 

He lists all your crimes that you only know of in snapshots, hazy and not there. Obscure. Not yours. 

You are Azula, and even if you refuse and acclaim it false, you always lie. _You always lie_.

You are sentenced to death, this day, (because you are too much and nobody wants to defend you for all the things you did) and you think you deserve it - because if you've carried out even quarter of what's said then you _do_ \- but you will never say that out loud.

When he demands, or asks (you do not know the difference), what you will say for your defense, you say nothing at all. Because if you did, you always lie. He doesn't wait for you to speak, he never does. 

You are Azula, born to flames and fall. You are a child of Agni, but nobody can save you now. 

You are Azula, a monster and will forever be one. There is no redemption for you. Even you know where you end. 

Zuko's had everyone and everything while you had nothing but the blue flames you wield at your fingertips.

But. You do not know if you're going madder than usual as everyone spits you are when the Avatar steps up to Zuko and the judges and declares to the courtroom that he refuses you being sent to death's clutches. When argued with _She killed you_ ; he states further:

_ She did kill me. But did she do it for vengeance or to survive? That's the thing. People have different ways to survive and live. That does not mean to not show them kindness or mercy. Especially for someone who's not too lost. _

And you can't help but notice that it's not with the crescendo of thousands of voices merged into one as you've hear about. This, is only Avatar Aang - twelve years old. 

You are fourteen, and never had warmth, and the world forgets it.

* * *

You think it's nothing but a dream when the Avatar vows for you and lifts your death sentence. He takes you to where his roots are planted and began, he takes you home, to the Southern Air Temple, and you see he trusts you. You want to scoff. 

Trust, what a fickle thing it is. You do not know trust. You only know deceit. You've always known cruelty.

That is his mistake. First mistake so blatantly in display. You've always known the Avatar is foolish in ways you are not. 

(You've never known mercy. Never been shown mercy. And that's where it all went wrong.) 

Your brother disowned you (basically) by not fighting against the countless of men and families telling him to sentence you and put you on trial for all the crimes you've commited and homes you destroyed (but it's not as if you weren't expecting it) and so, you do too. (But you don't, not really.)

And you ache right now, but you can't go home. Not until people want to see you which will be never. You follow along the Avatar as he floats on the tiles and you know the wear of your patience (and you have a lot of it in order to survive because you _learnt_ ) is slipping. 

"What are we doing? Am I going to do anything today?" You snarl. A restless Azula is no Azula.

"What do you want to do?" He says back with a gentle small smile, easily as if this is nothing but breeze that he inhales. "We are doing something. Look." 

He guides you over to a patch of soil where you know plants once grew and sets down things that he had with him and you sit. 

"You'll like this." He declares, as he sinks in his knees on the dirt, kneeling. 

You send a glare to him, asking _how would I like this?_ He doesn't answer, until he does.

"A garden equals to a soul. They are both the same. They plant, and bloom and heal. They grow," he recites, and lets out a sad smile later that makes you tense. "Air Nomad phrase and saying."

You say nothing after. 

* * *

What does it mean to be Azula?

You are built into a machine, to do only your daddy's work. You are shaped into a beast with snapping jaws and bloody teeth. You are made into a monster, hostility that becomes a home in your flesh and fury that leaves in the wake. You are knives, and snarls, and electricity. You are beyond.

You were never Firelord. You were never Crown Princess of the Fire Nation. You were nothing. Always have been. You are Azula.

Everyone loves Zuzu, your brother who you once loved until Ozai clawed deep inside and took whatever love you had for anyone out. Everyone loves little Zuzu, the soft child, Agni's favoured. Zuzu, your once brother. Everyone loves Zuzu and you want to scream, you want to set things aflame, you want to fall. What makes him so loveable? What is it about him? What is it? Everyone loves Zuko, nobody loves you. They never love or loved you.

Nobody loves you. Not even Uncle Iroh who opened his heart so eagerly for Zuko. Not him who only loves little Zuzu. You are only seen as a monster and far past the point of saving. You are Azula and you are too gone.

You have never been soft, and if you have then you do not remember a time where you were allowed to be. 

You are calculated, cold mercy. You will never be tender. 

Maybe, once upon a time, you were able to be like Zuko with love-filled hands and soft thumping heart and giggles of light but that was once upon a time. A time you can't remember anymore. Gentleness was scrapped away from you in order to survive and so blue flames, and lightning is all you ever knew.

The Avatar treats you like you are the same as him; human only and no ruination. He doesn't see you as a monster, and he tries his best to become friends with you. You don't let him, and you don't understand why he so apparently forgot you murdering him in the back with a streak of lightning and smell of burnt flesh. Why he doesn't pay attention to the fact. Why he hasn't abandoned you yet. Why he gave and gives you so many chances, acts of mercy. 

(The Avatar is merciful; more than you ever were. More than you can imagine to be.) 

(But you weren't merciful. You know that now.)

* * *

You are tired. You are tired from bone deep. You don't want to be Azula anymore. But you are and so, you are Azula.

* * *

You sneer and scoff at him whenever he gives you his unending kindness. 

You dig a knife through the Avatar's chest, because that's all you've ever known your entire life. You did not have people caring for you like he has and it's something uncharted. You try to at least. Nothing deters him. (You never mention his people. Even you know your limits. You're not like your father. You are his daughter, and Azula but you are nothing like him. )

* * *

Azula

— the prodigal daughter, the devil child

* * *

One day, you finally say the things you were thinking about and confused you over to him being that way.

You do not understand him at all, and that is what you hate most (because you've always been several steps ahead of everyone else).

"I killed you," you state, eyes narrowed and tone sharp. 

"You did, but I'm alive and here, aren't I? I forgive you Azula." 

You don't lash out like you wants to, you just bite the words back and bite tongue and feel the taste of the iron of blood. You nod minutely and while you admit that it is a nice notion it isn't for you. (Nobody ever forgives you.) 

* * *

Months pass by and you slowly get used to the presence and person that is the Avatar, or as he insists Aang. You get used to him and the things that make him up. You will never exactly get used to how he is but you tolerate it now. It's bearable. 

(And you might not say it but you appreciate it.) 

People still hate you and they've never loved you. 

(But it's fine. Aang, the Avatar you once killed and liked to see dead, is here and he likes you.) 

(He's here when he could be doing other better and important things. 

(You've never been important.) He could be rebuilding the world but he is here, helping you. All because what? It gives him joy to help? Because he sees something in you? Because he knows you aren't far too gone and have a chance for redemptiom? Apparently so. 

The Avatar gives you all his time - never overbearing never, not like your Mother - and he gives you all his attention - somehing nobody ever did. Not Zuzu, not Mother not Father - and he likes you. He likes you, something nobody has ever done. Not Zuzu, not Mother, not Father. The Avatar. He gives you everything you never experiences or felt ever before and. You snarl, you snap, you blaze but that doesn't deter him, it never does. It is no false alarm, like mother or father or Zuko. He just does and you tone it down a bit.)

Everyone leaves you. But Aang, the Avatar, he's here to stay. For good. And you let yourself believe it.

The Avatar is a constant and isn't that something you never thought of and viewed unbelievable. He hasn't abandoned you like the others have. He's more of your family than your actual one. He is your family. In a way, you are grateful but you shove those feelings inside a concave and never express it.

(You think he understands.)

One day, you lose your fire even though you stopped using it because you know these hands that used to hurt and harm and scar. He takes you to the dragons, and you learn what the true meaning is and you learn all over again. 

You only make a flame then; other times you use it just to ignite rocks just like the reason why your hair is cut to the sides and short. 

And then you laugh that you almost cry. 

* * *

It's almost miserable to see where Crown Princess Azula of the Fire Nation stands now. Is like now. That you seek love from the Avatar who doesn't even hesitate to give more than enough to you or trust so willingly. He gives it so easily and you take it because you've never known it at all before. 

This is what Azula is, almost Fire Lord.

* * *

You are Azula, and this is what it means:

You've never experienced trust, or kindness, or mercy, or let alone given chances of redemption. You are a dragon. You are protective over what is yours. You are protective over the Avatar when once you weren't and abhorred him. You are protective of him because he is the only one who's given you purpose and life. And dragons always protect those who make them kin.

You don't smile with teeth. You smile with lips, because once not very long ago, people used to be scared of what it meant for your teeth to be out and in the open. You know the horror, the dread, the hell it gave people.

You are Azula. You used to topple down kingdoms and used to bring down men and collapse gods. You are Azula now, but not the one before the you present.

You are Azula, and you tend gardens of the people your ancestors destroyed. You are Azula and you are happy. You are Azula, and you breathe for the first time in a lifetime. You are Azula, Crown Princess of the Fire Nation and almost Fire Lord no more. Your chest moves to exhale.

Yesterday, you crushed people underneath your heel. Today, you water the flowers of the Air Nomads. Tomorrow, you'll smile when you see Aang as he launches at you for a hug. You are Azula and you will be alright. You breathe.

You are Azula, and you now know warmth. You can be tender. 

**Author's Note:**

> aang and azula brotp. her adopting aang? good for her as she should! everybody loves aang
> 
> i wrote most of this in my friends dm's sdhskd little excerpts and thoughts and sentences all around
> 
> i didn't even mean it to be zuko bashing! i promise im just seeing this as azula and feeling how she may feel that's all
> 
> but i hope you enjoyed this! and give me validation bc that makes me and my day !!


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